Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Federalism and the DMV

It was a typical day in the Political Science 101 class at Foothill High School, people argued, gave opinions - that no one else listened to because everyone else is worried about sharing their opinion - when suddenly Mr. Vaughan silenced the class and began the lecturing. As unusual as this may seem, humans at Foothill actually enjoy lectures from Mr. Vaughan, mainly because he doesn't read them from a slide on powerpoint insulting our ability to read and comprehend for ourselves, and secondly because the information is useful enough to be studied in the future and will 99% of the time be applied in the near future.

Today, he spoke of Federalism - yes, a term that the typical class of history or government students would dread. However, this teacher had altered plans of talking about how federalism affected the citizens, and not just how they applied to government workers. He referred to federalism as "Access Points." This means a citizen of the United States has several opportunities to have his/her voice heard whether that be an idea, or a complaint. He explained how citizens have 3 levels of government to turn to - Local, state, and Federal, of course. Within these levels there are the three divisions that everyone knows about - Executive, Legislative, and Judiciary. Little did our class know how much this fateful day would change us... well, ok maybe just me.

It was a cold morning on Christmas break, several months after the Federalism lecture by Mr. Vaughan. I was seated in one of those folding chairs, with a light jacket, in about 20 degree weather, at 4:00 a.m. (yes that does mean I had to wake up at around 3:00.) outside of one of the most hairsplitting locations in the Solar System - The Department of Motor Vehicles. Yes, the DMV in the flesh - proud to announce it's 100th anniversary of manufacturing people without the smiling feature.

Around 7:00 my mom was starting to have joint aches from sitting so long, and called my brother to come with some snacks for me and maybe some jackets. When my brother arrived, the guard changed and he was put on duty while mom went to buy us both breakfast. He dutifully reminded me that my "life was on the line" because he had to wake up early and was made to bring me not one, not two, but three jackets for our camp out in disturbia. The jackets made our little setup look more like some military base with food provisions and shelter, but still I felt really grateful for the all the work that was going for this would-be special day.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, I finally got my standby number called around 8:10. I was asked to wait for a test proctor to greet me near the registration desk. A few minutes later, she was there, my test proctor. With the expression she had on her face, to say she wished I would have crashed my car before I made it to the DMV would be an understatement. She asked me to lead her to my car to begin the test. On our way out, I grabbed the door to hold it open for her, which she seemed to politely refuse by placing her hand on it to hold it open herself.

I get into my car, and after a couple of diagnostics, she and her clipboard enter the car as well. There's something about DMV clipboards that seem to scream at you what your test proctor cant say to vocally without causing the driver major distraction.

I am instructed to pull out, and am immediately informed that my front bumper was to close to another car's back bumper while backing out - and there it is, the proctor's pen touches the paper that is on the clipboard. As I exit the parking lot the proctor instructs me to turn left at the next stop light. Since I couldn't quite here what she said over the low drafting air-conditioner, I clarify "You said turn left, right?" I guess this question was too much of an annoyance to just mark down on paper because my instructor responded "YES! You have to listen sometimes!"... and then she wrote more on her little clipboard. The driving test continues like this for a while and occasionally the proctor makes a mistake in telling me where to go causing me to get somewhat flustered here and there and occasionally I made some turns that were a little "too cautious" but next time I'll be sure to speed through the school zone that may or may not have been in session at the time.

What happened next actually scared me. From the passenger seat I start hearing “Ogh! *Hack* *Hack!* Ogh! *cough*” … I figured maybe I should pull over or something if the proctor was going to die right here in my car. Just as that thought crosses my mind she rolls down the window about half way. “Oh no, she’s gonna puke,” I thought, “and if she pukes, then I’m gonna puke…” … But it turns out this was all just a false alarm. She just was getting a little too hot in my car because I was freezing and had the heater turned up somewhat high… but for heaven sakes did her mother not teach her to use her big girl words? So, yes, I did hit the little “+” sign on the steering wheel to turn up the heat.

Well, I think you have the idea about the personality of this dear sweet lady so lets just skip how parallel parking went. However, right after parallel parking, we had to wait in line to park back at the DMV so it was just this awkward silence, so I took the liberty to be the better person and turn off the heat in the car. The proctor responded with “Thank you! Oh my God, thank you!” I wanted to congratulate her on learning to use her manners! She actually said thank you! J

But I guess she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea about her personality, she intended to rectify the thank you. I held the door open for her once more as were walking back into the DMV, which I guess must have just disgusted her or something she nearly gasped saying “No! No! Hurry Go in!” I swear she almost had me perfectly trained the way she was in the art of never smiling again and intended to review that skill by yelling at me and informing how stupid I was and oh, by the way if you didn’t notice, I’m not going to give you your license.

Well, I guess you’re wondering where this ties into federalism. Well I decided to put my newfound knowledge of “access points” to the work. I gave a call over to Governor Gibbons (since the DMV is a state government “service”) and reached his secretary. Unfortunately Gibbons had stepped out, but I was assured that, had he been there, I would have been connected with him straight away because his secretary seemed to loath the DMV as much as I did. I know, ironic right? Well, since she couldn’t get me on the phone with Gibbons, she gave me every single phone number she could, every director’s office of every DMV office, and the director of directors office.

So, I called Mr. Director of Directors… and I got HIS secretary. I told her the situation and emphasized the part where my “bumper was too close to the other car’s back bumper,” and when I was satanic for thinking of holding open the door for this wronged lady. When I finished, the secretary asked “Did you hit the other car’s bumper when you were backing out?” “No.” I said. “Well,” said the secretary, “I guess that wouldn’t really fall under the ‘too close’ category.” For some reason the secretary apologized for the situation several times. It wasn’t her fault, she wasn’t there, nor did she hire Ms. Grumpy-face. But she did let me know that I would receive a call from the proctor’s direct manager. Sure enough, just before the office closed the next day I get a call from the Driving Test Manager, who apologized as well, and told me she was walking straight the proctor’s office as soon as she hung up the phone.

Well, the ending of this story is double plus happy, grumpy-proctor got yelled at, and I didn’t see her around the drive test area the next time I was around… and then I wrote an essay political science about this story for my semester Exam…. and I got an A! Thank you DMV!!!